Breathe
by CyanGalaxy
Summary: After a devastating battle, things just aren't the same with Anakin Skywalker (not that he'll ever admit it)... But after all, it's just in his head.


**A/N: I wrote this because I was so sad at the time. I don't want to go into detail, but I was hit a few times by someone I thought wouldn't do that, but they did... So here is a story I made based on my emotions earlier this week. It involves PTS and panic episodes (not that that has anything to do with me, just what I ended up writing) on a pretty high level. If you're sensitive to that, it's probably not a good idea to read this. It may not be that accurate, but I don't really care. And it gets kinda heavy too with the hurt.**

* * *

The Battle of Elastia was a hard one... Harder then most. The number of casualties were overwhelming, and the number of civilians caught in the firefight was depressing.

Droids with bombs started marching down the battlefield, alongside every other Seppie battle mechanism built for war. The 501st didn't know at the time what those new designs of droids were, yet they were blasted and cut down all the same.

And suddenly, they had a moment of relief—the people were okay, the men were fine, the battle had been won with all Separatist forces destroyed... everything was good. Yet their false sense of security disintegrated when hidden explosives inside the new dead droids went off in flames. All Anakin could hear were those screams of his men that were once cheering in victory. Those screams of the people that were once crying of joy. The scream of his own when he realised the battle droids were just a distraction, and the updated droids were the _real_ weapons.

The war zone (or what's left of it) immediately clouded with thick, heavy gas, one that made the few remaining troops and their General choke on it. The alive clones had their helmets on to protect them, but the gas cloud managed to still attacked his system. Anakin instantly commed for help, making sure gunships arrived to pick them up. He ordered Rex and everyone else to get as far away from the smoke-infected area as possible, and reluctantly the Captain agreed only on condition Anakin would meet him soon after. Anakin didn't show his urgency for the troops to evacuate, just told them to leave. He needed to remain strong and resilient and capable as possible—If not for everyone else, then himself... Even though his breath hitched and eyes welled whenever he saw blood-stained stray limbs, he still didn't know why he felt the need to explore the rest of the battlefield. Maybe he felt guilty, therefore witnessing the destruction his own arrogance and blindness had caused?

* * *

Anakin met up with Ahsoka soon after she picked them up. She was thankful to hear he was alive, though mourned all those now one with the Force. She knew that this wasn't a thing her Master would get over easily, so she talked to him. He shut her out.

* * *

He was on Coruscant now, a few days later, back home at the Jedi Temple within the shared quarters of his and his Padawan's. It was peaceful for the most part. No council meetings (just the quick report), no duties to attend to... But not okay in the slightest. Elastia took a lot out of him—definitely more than usual. Physically he has fine, but not on the inside... Yet, emotional health wasn't really a factor to be concerned about to the Jedi, so Anakin stayed silent, choosing to be alone with his feelings of failure, despair and sorrow.

* * *

It was nice being home. Ahsoka didn't always enjoy it (she loved the thrill and energy of the front lines), but for once she appreciated the quietness. Maybe months away from the Temple had had an effect on her. Maybe this _war_ was really starting to effect her. Maybe she just wanted the peacefulness of the night to be calming for once. No being shot at, no explosions, no droids, or weapons... Just the sky... she wanted to look up at the stars and worlds, and pray for them to not remind her of all those planets unsafe from the Clone War. Worlds like Elastia cannot be destroyed any further. They all need peace. Many expected for this war to be over by now...

There was a thought that crossed Ahsoka's mind: _if we all just keep dealing, keep pushing, keep staying strong and hope that the conflict will end eventually... It will_.

* * *

A new dawn rose, and Anakin woke early for once. Not by a person, nor object, but by a _feeling_. The Force felt...weird. Not bad, not dark...just foggy. Maybe a little blurry? It wasn't anything dramatic, but noticeable enough that Anakin picked up on it pretty quickly. He was always used to feeling the buzzing electric currents of the Force zip through everything he touched, but now, those wave-links were dull and fuzzy.

It's not like the Force wasn't there—because he could definitely still feel it—but now it's gradually changed into something hard to grasp, almost like trying to hold water with your hands, it just slips through his fingers. _Very eerie_. It had never felt like this before. It was so much different than just plain remorse or guilt... something deeper.

* * *

Ahsoka woke up too, around the same time. She reminded her Master of the sparring session they had today, which to her confusion, Anakin simply nodded numbly as if distracted. Others might have shrugged it off, but Ahsoka could tell when something was bothering her Master. This time, it was obviously Elastia.

* * *

It wasn't until his sparring match with Ahsoka the feeling got heavier. It made him lose focus, lose concentration, made him make silly mistakes that he shouldn't have made. Whenever his Padawan asked him about it, he'd brush her off with a plain 'I'm fine,'. After that, he made a mental note to stop being so predictable. Of course she could see past his lie, so that meant he needed stronger mental shields and to continuously fake fine, for the sake of not looking affected...

Though no matter how hard he tried, it didn't go away, that's for sure. But it was well hidden from any observers that might have known something was off. At least that was good, which made him feel reassured.

* * *

Ahsoka—being the observant and suspicious girl she was—still kept a skeptical eye, not falling for his façade. "Are you alright?" She asked, concerned and confused, but only received a very typical answer like always. They kept sparring, Anakin managing to keep a strong defensive, though she knew it took much effort to do so. She even requested to take a break, not for her own benefit but for his, even if he insisted nothing was wrong.

* * *

After what seemed like days (which was really just a few hours), the session came to an end. The pair normally went to go eat in the mess hall like usual, but eating was the furthest thing from Anakin's mind right now. He felt dizzy and fuzzy and nothing like himself, silently cursing at whatever was making him feel this way. _Just think of those lives lost days ago—lives that_ _ **you**_ _lost,_ he told himself. _Imagine what they went through. This is_ _ **nothing**_ _compared to that._ Anakin wasn't even hurt, wasn't even wounded—like so many others were—so why should he be acting like it? His dignity was slowly crumbling when the boy had to keep one hand on the wall to restrain himself from sinking to the floor, or losing balance completely. Jedi were suppose to have the most perfect balance, so it concerned him when his sense of motion was suddenly so lacking.

* * *

Ahsoka (who was further ahead) noticed her Master's slow movements, but was oblivious to his shallow breathing, pale features and shaking, because to her, he straightened up and looked alright whenever she turned to him.

Narrowing her eyes, once again she asked, "You sure you're alright?" Then she felt their bond cut off and his presence get greatly shielded. Once again, a nod and the same annoyed-sounding answer as a reply.

* * *

Okay... Playing unaffected was a bad idea. Now it wasn't just the Force that was hurting. Inside his mind was a raging headache, along with nauseating knots churning within his stomach. His body felt extremely cold too, with shivers clawing up and down his spine. But somehow, feeling deprived of all hydrating water—though of course not daring to take a sip, afraid of the sickly consequences that would follow.

He didn't hear whatever his Padawan was saying, not even trying to comprehend her words, which seemed to be in a different language.

* * *

"Look, I know what happened on that mission—I read the reports... And I know you're not okay, you never are after something like this... but you're not eating or talking..." Ahsoka breathed. "...And you're scaring me." She expected to be scowled, or be told the same evasive 'I'm fine', but instead he didn't answer, just looked at a plain spot in the wall. "Master?... Anakin?" His unfocused eyes shifted to her after a few seconds, looking dazed and she knew he wasn't listening at all. "Never mind."

* * *

He had to get away now. The Temple felt _so_ claustrophobic, as if walls were moving together, and pillars would tumble over, and the high ceilings would cave in. Maybe if he could find some place alone, everything would turn out okay. He figured he'd just escape to the _Twilight_ , and stay there 'til the world stopped spinning. He wouldn't go back to his dormitory though, because he couldn't run the risk of letting Ahsoka see him. If she saw him now, she'd probably go get a healer or whatever, but that's definitely not what he wanted. He couldn't let anyone see him like this, he just _couldn't_. There was always that voice at the back of his mind telling him: _always be strong. You're a Jedi, don't let pain hinder you._ And Jedi don't give in to weakness— _Anakin Skywalker_ doesn't give into weekness.

* * *

She didn't know where he'd gone, but it was obvious he wanted to be alone and avoided. But she had to admit, this felt different from all the other times he snuck off whenever they were on Coruscant. In those times, he would always make up some believable-enough lie, and she'd just accept it with a knowingly smile... but today not even a word was said as he left. She was worried.

* * *

The splitting headache only got worse, not even the painkillers administrated were having an effect. In fact, they seemed to do more harm than good, making the pills twist around and churn in his stomach. He put his head against the cold framework of the _Twilight's_ insides, hoping that will reduce the pain. It made him feel even colder, but the coolness distracted him from the migraine.

Anakin was almost asleep, sitting there momentarily free from discomfort, before the stupid ear-ringing comm-link on his arm beeped. The noise shook him harshly into awareness, making the Jedi bolt upright so fast all the blood rushed to his head, letting dizziness take over and form new drowsiness, light-headedness and nausea to join the party as well. A stray moan passed his lips as he pressed the comm-link, wanting the beeping to stop more than anything else.

* * *

"Master, where are you? There's a council briefing in a few minutes—we have our new assignment." It took a really long time for him to reply, Ahsoka noticed, and when he did speak, Anakin's words were just quick sentences or a few words. He told her he was coming.

* * *

He couldn't hear the other Jedi, couldn't hear Obi-Wan. He couldn't even _think_ now, and only prayed that no one would address him. If he spoke, he feared not only would the contains of his stomach come up, but also start crying (yes, how _pathetic_ ), because of how much it hurt to form words.

Anakin forced himself to swallow down bile, tried to even his breathing, and at least pay attention to the words being tossed around. 'Mission' came up a lot, Anakin wincing at that known fact that they'd be shipped out soon... Again. He didn't want to—didn't think he could _handle_ going, not after what happened on Elastia. But as soon as those thoughts crossed his mind, he got rid of them. What was he talking about?! This could be a chance to set things right, a chance to save lives this time, not destroy them. It would also serve as a distraction away from his own thoughts.

* * *

She waited for the briefing to be over to talk to him. The mission to Felucia can wait for now, this was more important.

"Anakin, what's going on?" She asked him, walked beside her Master. "Please tell me." He just shook his head feebly, Ahsoka letting lose a sigh. _Please don't bottle-up. Let me help you._

* * *

 _Ahsoka, please stop talking,_ though despite saying this in his mind, he didn't even hear it himself. So much throbbing pain was inflicted everywhere, and it was hard to even stand.

He couldn't tell if his Padawan was still bombarding him with questions or not, but either way, Anakin quietly answered, "I don't know." hoping that that will get her to shush. However, confusion ripped through their Force-bond as soon as he replied, leaving Anakin to only assume he said the wrong thing... _Whatever_... He decided he didn't care, and chose to keep walking to his quarters.

* * *

Ahsoka went back to the briefing room, accompanied by Mace Windu, Luminara Unduli, Plo Koon, Obi-Wan Kenobi and several others, all wondering why the sudden Jedi left so quickly, but not speaking about it. Obi-Wan came to her minutes later asking her about her Master. She honestly didn't know, but she insisted Master Obi-Wan go talk to Anakin later. Apart from her, Obi-Wan knew Anakin best, so maybe he could get through to him.

* * *

His head was killing him. It was over the point where general painkillers would do any good, and over the point where he could fake fine anymore. All across his body, he felt really warm. Anakin's eyes went puffy, like tears were forming for no apparent reason. As soon as he stepped into his quarters, everything went splotchy. The room was turning, and his ability to stand was becoming lost hope. The young Jedi collapsed to the ground, letting the pain and exhaustion and sickness take control. He thought of how this was so much different than an ordinary illness. Ordinary illnesses don't normally make it so hard to breathe. Something was seriously wrong—and from what the Force was telling him, it was critical... But surprisingly, Anakin's last comprehension was: _what if someone comes in here? I have to get up._ But darkness came instead, silencing the Jedi's mind and conscious.

* * *

"Ahsoka?" Obi-Wan called her, startling her back into reality. "Are you alright?" _No_... She sensed something. Something indicating danger...or was it alertness? Well, whatever it was, she needed to find out. Ahsoka told Obi-Wan she'd return in a few moments just to check something. As she left, the Padawan followed the disturbance to the source... Her dorm? She did a mental scan of the room, only to sense Anakin inside.

* * *

Her presence roused him, finding some recognition behind the incoherentness.

As the Jedi stood from the ground (what seemed like the most difficult thing to do), his eyes swam and throat closed just as he tried to inhale, like being slowly choked to death. Steadying himself against the countertop, Anakin did his best to start breathing normally, but whenever he tried to, it didn't work, only making his chest restricted and cheeks turn blue from oxygen deprivation, or red from the warmness—he couldn't tell. This was so bad... Oh, Force it was so bad. He couldn't breathe! Whenever he tried to, the invisible hold around his lungs just got tighter and tighter.

Now rasping, and struggling, Anakin's eyes went black and spotty again. The light came in and out of view, as colour shifted and vague noises became muted. The only thing worth his concentration was his lungs' desperate attempts to fill with air...

 _Oxygenoxygenoxygenoxygenoxygenoxygenoxy_ —

* * *

"Master?" The Padawan came into the hall, getting a wave of distressed emotions through a poorly blocked bond attempting to be hidden. "Anakin?" She said, a little more panicky.

And then she saw him. Not the brave Republic General. Not the unaffected Jedi Knight. Not the Unstoppable Warrior the HoloNet keeps advertising... But Anakin Skywalker breathing too quickly, leaned over the counter and smothered by fear, panic and pain.

"Master!" She ran over to him, placing one hand on his back and the other on his arm. "Talk to me, please,"

* * *

Anakin shook his head, not understanding anything. He could tell this person was Ahsoka, but didn't know what she was saying. He scrunched his eyes closed, and began to form sentences in is mind, but they wouldn't come out aloud. The hold around his throat tightened, cutting off more air. "I..." He managed, "I can't... breathe."

* * *

Ahsoka commed in healers, and they were there in minutes. By the time it took for them to rush into their dormitory and then get him to the Halls of Healing, she never left his side. Even the healers tried to tell her to get out while they were strapping him to devices and pumping air into his lungs, she stayed. She watch as his eyes constantly flickers, until they could no longer stay open. She watched as the healers called for more help. She watched and waited for 5 seconds—that seemed like eternity—when Anakin Skywalker wasn't inhaling or exhaling anymore. Somehow the healers did manage to get him breathing again, but she was sure she wasn't going to forget those agonizing 5 seconds.

* * *

"Physically, we can't find a reason for his condition..."

Ahsoka raised from the chair, immediately snapping up as Vokara Che exited the medical room. Ahsoka had gone outside—was _forced_ to—a hour or so before, Master Che declaring that he needed to be examined more thoroughly. And though Ahsoka put up a strong fight to stay, the head healer proved to win.

Now the Padawan found her staring back at the older Twi'Lek, eye-markings screwed in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Che looked at her data pad. "I mean, throughout all the test and scans we've done, there is no physically diagnosable condition to prognose your Master's state. He may be acutely sleep-deprived and in need of nutrition, but those factors would not contribute to an outcome of this scale."

She looked like she had more to say, but Ahsoka wasn't sure she understood. "So... there's nothing wrong?"

Vokara eyed her, making her feel like she said something wrong. "Padawan, I never said that. If there was nothing wrong he wouldn't be in this mess in the first place." That wasn't exactly what Ahsoka meant, but she didn't say anything so Vokara continued. "...It's somatoformic."

"What?"

"Somatoformic: a physical reaction from a psychological cause. In this case, severe stress triggered a bodily response."

"That means..." Ahsoka trailed of, connecting dots. "It's all in his head?" She knew her master dwelled on failed battles and all his losses, but never to the point he _severely_ _stressed_ about it.

"Yes," Vokara Che confirmed. "It's all in his head."

* * *

Vokara Che left Ahsoka alone after that, yet the girl stayed outside for now. She commed Obi-Wan earlier and just did again, so she guessed he'd be coming pretty soon. She remembered trying to explain this to him the first time and cringed at the memory.

" _Anakin's in the Halls of Healing, something happened..._

 _I'm not sure, he just— just couldn't breathe..._

 _Master Vokara is assessing him..._

 _I think he's alright now... But earlier was... scary."_

Truely it was, not knowing what the hell was going on, finding out Anakin had been acting strange the whole time because he was in pain. She still wondered why he didn't tell anybody. This was like a new level of recklessness, because _what if_ he wasn't okay now. Something could have been terribly wrong, and he was stupid about the whole situation.

Scoffing, Ahsoka tucked her comm-link back and pushed the door open.

* * *

When he opened his eyes, he frowned, knowing exactly where he was. He'd been here too many times to forget it.

"Hey,"

And off to his side was Ahsoka. Thinking back, there was normally always a person there. Rarely he was alone in the medbay, but frankly he sort of _wanted_ to be... Couldn't really explain why.

"How are you feeling, Master?"

He thought about it, and actually did feel different from before. Probably due to all those sedative drugs the healers injected to slow down his racing heart before. "Tired." Another affect of the drugs. That's why he never liked taking them when prescribed.

"Not surprised... Depressants are still in your system."

"When can I leave?"

She looked down. "I don't know, but stay here 'til Master Che says so," she frowned. "Please." Ahsoka knew him well enough to know he'd escape the first chance he got. And upon sensing her feelings, he could tell she was worried for him... Frightened maybe. And it didn't make him feel good to know that she was frightened for him.

"I'm fine, Ahsoka."

She snorted, rolling her eyes. "How typical. You know, inability to breathe is not fine, okay? Passing out cold is not fine either. And saying you're fine when you're not fine is also not fine!"

"I don't need you worrying about me." He said blankly, looking away.

Her eyes snapped forwards. "Excuse me? Why would I not? I'm your Padawan, it's kinda in my job description to look out for you!"

He turned his head sharply, glaring into her direction. "No, that's the other way around, you're the child, the learner. I protect you—"

"I thought we both took care of each other!" She cut him off, and already, despite the conversation just starting, it was already pretty heated. "That we were equals in that regard! You know that we're more strongly connected than most Master/Padawan duos, so don't say I can't look out for you! Don't do that 'avoiding thing' from me. You may think of it as feeling no dignity, but you _should_ feel _guilty_! Put yourself in my perspective seeing you Force-knows _dying_ in our dorm. Force, Anakin, one day that stupidly reckless I-need-to-act-unaffected-all-the-time is going to get you killed!"

Her rant was dramatic, but even so, it got her point across. Plus he heard the silent _'and we (everyone else) will be the ones left to suffer_.'

He guessed he never _did_ think about it from her point of view. And it wasn't like he could understand, because Obi-Wan wasn't like him when he was sick or injured...

But it wasn't entirely his fault. The media and Republic surely had a part to play in his permanent façade. If he got sick or hurt, he couldn't show it. He's basically taught himself by now to always act courageous, fearless... and _fine_... For them of course.

And apparently 'til now Anakin always thought he could be that Hero With No Fear or Unstoppable Warrior, because he was able to live with that constant ache of battle, and his limits being pushed... Yet... He never thought about the consequences to _others_ should he succumbing to illness or injury.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **K, I'm not really sure where I went with this story. It's got a few topics in their and morels I guess? I started off just wanted it to be Anakin dealing with stuff, but then at the end that speech from Ahsoka. And I probably Should have phased some sentences better.**

 **Anyway hope you liked, it was a little all over the place. Favorite and Review, it makes me happy :)**

 **May the Force be with you**

 **-CyanGalaxy**


End file.
